Weird thoughts

I was washing my dishes just a little while ago and while I was washing I had this thought-what would the people from just a hundred or two hundred years ago think about my garbage disposal? They'd probably think it was awesome, was my first thought. Then I got to thinking a little more as I dumped plates full of food down this disposal. A disposal for perfectly good food, my kids just didn't finish their dinner. They'd probably be amazed and appalled that an invention of the sort every came about and that everybody thought it was such a good idea (because so much food is actually wasted). I don't exactly know what the conditions were like several hundred years ago but I imagine food was not ever discarded like it is today. If I was a farmer and I had to provide my own food for myself out of the ground I'd do everything in my power to preserve all of it and very carefully. Not any of it would go to waste. Now, today, I don't pull anything from the ground or process anything to it's eating form. I don't pit my own cherries, can beans, grind wheat, store my wheat, etc. So it is hard for me to appreciate how much I have. And it is easier to discard what I don't appreciate. It is amazing the things that have been invented today. A lot of things are presented to me that I never before had a knowledge of that suddenly become quite convenient and then before long a necessity. Would anyone buy a car that didn't have power steering? At one point this was just a handy convenience but now it is a necessity. Weird how that happens.

I love lists

Top ten activities I do when my kids are driving me to my last sane thought

-Put on a movie

-Establish a time out corner

-Eat a moist delicious chocolate chip cookie

-Yell and lecture, a lot

-Check my e-mail

-Take deep breaths (this I have found is quite useless)

-Check the clock and will the hours to come until bedtime routine begins
-Pray very hard

-Blog

-Cry and wish that this pregnancy wasn't making me so irritable-

She lost weight by obeying this one simple rule.....

I see this advertisement EVERYWHERE on the internet. Partly because the US is obsessed with weight, partly because some people want to make money by making you pay for that secret. The truth.....is available for free, to everyone.

Weight loss isn't easy. Just like getting a degree isn't easy but at the same time it isn't as hard as people think it is. Every day people commit to do what is required until they reach the end of their goals. Some days you don't want to meet your goals and you don't. Some people drop out and decide it is too hard-and it is hard.

The hardest thing about loosing weight or meeting any goal for that matter is re-commitment after failure to meet daily goals. It may take years to achieve the weight loss some people are after but it is possible. Just like going to classes for many semesters that pertain to a certain major will result in a degree.

Here is the truth. You have to eat right. It means sacrificing refined foods, sugar, and fat for vegetables, high fiber foods, and fruit. And more vegetables. It also requires regular exercise. The sooner you want to see results the more strict you'll have to be with your diet and exercise. It'll make you feel better but it is easy to slip in the routine of healthy eating and exercise and sometimes no matter how good it feels to be healthy it sometimes feels better to pig out and eat half of your kids Halloween candy. And then one day you'll step on the scale or see your love handles and the momentary pleasure of pigging out with be replaced with something new.

The things of most value in this world are the things we have to work the hardest for.

Some of the things on this list for me have been:

-School

-Motherhood

-Marriage

-Reading my scriptures and saying my prayers

-Visiting Teaching

-Regular temple attendance

-Weight loss

-Healthy eating

I guess this post isn't really about weight loss but more about accomplishing the most important things in life. When I feel like I'm not happy it is usually because I am not doing the regular daily things that bring happiness. They're simple but they're hard. They are the things that you know you should do and when you do do them you feel proud of yourself and when you don't do them you feel like a failure as a person. I need to believe that I'm not a failure for not being perfect at that list of things but at some point I have to look down at my love handles or whatever indication I have that sends a signal saying "it is time to get back into shape".

Today is a blogworthy day because it is the 4th day I've been to school on campus as a full time student. I have now been to all my classes and....I'm exhausted! Some of the things that have run through my head since this journey began has been-'WHY didn't I do this BEFORE I had kids or at least several years ago when they were easier to babysit!' Other things have been, 'Wow, in 4 short years I've lost my sense of style, if I had any to begin with!' (General mom getup including T-shirts all the time, odd patterned shirts and of course jammie pants) I like to pretend that I'm not vain, and i'll be honest that I don't buy into all of the latest fashions but I do realize that it has been a long time since I've been self concious of my style. The biggest reason I've lost my fashion sense has been because my biggest critics have been my 4 year old and my husband-who seems to love me no matter what I'm wearing/not wearing.
Here is where I have to interject and say that I love my life at home. It cannot completely satisfy me because I've got to have a part of myself that isn't all mom and wife but it is the biggest and most satisfying part of my life. I'm glad I have my children and that I've been able to stay home with them. I am also glad that I'm going to school and learning that the more educated and whole I am as a person, the more I have to offer those babies.
School has been awesome and here are some of the reasons why:
1. Water aerobics-I have an obsession with water and aerobics in water! I don't know what it is, I just know I love it! (and I have a class on Tues and Thurs...Hooray!)
2. I am really enjoying being able to walk at MY pace. I turned into a slow walker after I had kids and I don't really enjoy that.
3.I have something to tell Isaac when he asked me what I did that day. I can tell him about the crazy guy in one of my classes or my homework! I did try and make my life eventful before school but I have to admit it just wasn't ever thrilling or exciting!
4. Riding the bus to my classes! This really has been fun and at times scary, but mostly fun!
5. I no longer struggle falling asleep.
6. I'm busy. Boredom is hard for me to handle. And when I say busy I mean busy with artsy stuff, not dishes and cleaning and cooking and diapers. A mom life is not glamorous.
7. I know I sort of mentioned this already but I really like having stories to tell. And here is one from today...
So it is really awkward when you first come and sit down in class during the first week of school because nobody knows each other (unless they went to high school together, which of course didn't happen for me). So I came early and sat down, one seat away from anyone, just like everyone else that came early and then those that come late have to choose a seat by someone until the room is full... Well I waited while the seats around me began to fill in and to my dismay two old friends sat on either side of me. I didn't really mind that part, but they proceeded to discuss their other classes, projects, photoshop, and every other subject in between that related to school. Using their hands flamboyantly they caught up real fast. I need to point out that the seats are really close together...I'm at least 6 inches away from these girls faces and their hands are more than in my comfort zone and their faces are inching closer as they try to converse around me. I sort of want to melt into my chair at this point. I try looking at the girls but that is awkward because I feel like I shouldn't be listening to their conversation but how can I not listen!?! My gaze follows every person that walks in, reading their t-shirts and whatever posters I can find (no posters)! I'm praying that they are almost done because can't they see how awkward this is!? I think about offering to switch them seats when suddenly, thank goodness, class starts. I sigh in relief and hope that class is a little less awkward.
My lesson for today-always sit on the end of the row.

Sunday lesson

Today after church Kenzie came running into the nursery class, since we're nursery teachers, and she was pretty excited to tell me about what she learned in class. I have to admit I was pretty happy about it because every sunday I have been asking her what she learned in class and either she can't really tell me, doesn't want to, or I don't understand what she's saying. (Or she'll say they colored) Well she brought me her little booklet that she made in class and it was titled 'The Creation'.

The first page she showed me was the sun and moon. She said 'Jesus made the sun and the moon'

The second page was the birds and the fish.

The third page was all the animals.

The last page was a man and a woman.

And according to Kenzie it was Travis and Amy. (Adam and Eve)

I still don't know who Travis and Amy are...

I've just been thinking

Well I've finished 2 of my 4 classes and this has left me room to think, and blog.

Yesterday I took my final exam for Intermediate Algebra and I have to go up to campus and have a proctor for those tests. As I was walking around I was people watching because this is the best past time ever. I love people watching. For the longest time I wanted to get my major in psychology because people and their behaivor are so interesting. Anyway, I noticed that I kind of grouped people into categories without thinking and tried to tell as much as I could just by looking at them. This line of thinking got me to thinking about myself. If I could see myself walking along the street and see myself as a stranger what would I see?

Would I think that I was a pretty person,

would I look stuck up?

What would I see in myself that I can't see now?

Everybody wants to see themselves a certain way, they want to believe they are smart, beautiful, admired, gorgeous, muscular, perfect body build....but then when I look in the mirror and see that I'm not all those things that I hope that I am, I just become overly critical.

I have love handles, I don't have rock hard abs, my hair isn't perfect, my face is boyish, maybe I'm not smart either.

I either like to think I'm amazing or never good enough.

I do wish I could see myself objectively. It would be fun to see what I think about myself.

Without Bias.

Little warm fuzzies....NOT

I just had to also throw out there today that Kenzie took a trip to the dentist where I held her down, she screamed at the top of her lungs for 30 m inutes straight, and the dentist filled one of her cavaties. He was a little miffed that I made them stop because lets face it, I'm not comfortable holding my daughter down while they work on her. I realize most kids are uncooperative at the dentist but I just don't think that I should have to hold her down while she is in panic mode and being forced against her will to have her teeth drilled. I owe her a lot more, I should have known to take better care of her teeth. I will do better for Chloe than I did by Kenzie. But it isn't like they hand out information at the hospital on how to avoid getting cavaties in your infant's teeth. Anyway, I came out a little angry, not because I had to hold her down while they worked on her, angry because they tried to manipulate me and make me feel guilty for finally saying stop. I hate that authority figures who don't have the last say in the matter make me feel guilty for not going their way when I don't agree with it. I went to the front to make another appointment with the receptionist (to finish working on another tooth) and she tried to make me feel like I was wrong. She tried to tell me that this happens everywhere and that some pediatric offices have straps to hold the kids in. (they are much more humane for not investing the straps) I am sure there are offices out there like that, but I don't care to go to them or feel pressured to do that. I am not wrong for telling the dentist 'stop, my kid has had enough of you prying her mouth open'. Under the guise of doing the better thing for my child, fixing a tooth, he has tried to make me wrong for not letting him proceed to frighten her and hold her down. By the way, he never informed me that he was going to keep proceeding if she didn't want to. If I didn't hold her down, the hygenist would.

I hate the dentist now.

I also hate that I don't feel strong enough to tell that man he has a lot of nerve and that he is wrong. I wish I was stronger.

So that made my morning a little frustrating, then I had a little adventure while getting my drivers license.

Oh yeah, Kenzie just pooped her pants because she is sick. And Chloe is apparently sick too.

The day isn't over yet, unfortunately.

Recipe for a bad experience

I should have known it was a bad idea to take the girls with me to get my drivers license renewed but it is expiring soon so, I went, knowing it was not good. After waiting in line forever and only two people away from being helped Kenzie informed me she needed to pee.

OF COURSE!

I made her wait until I was helped and then I was given a number to be called for in a second line then rushed to the bathroom. She of course didn't need to pee but poop and of course it takes so long and she won't be rushed and ended up deciding that she no longer needed to go to the bathroom. When I left the bathroom literally EVERYONE in the building was staring at me and a man approached me and asked if my number was 124? I looked at my paper and my oh my I was! (at least I didn't have to wait forever) The one time in history that I didn't have to wait and my number was called immediately is the time that I'm in the bathroom with my daughter waiting for her to poop. From there we had no disasters (just distraction from the girls screaming and laughing as they jumped from chair to chair behind me.) but I left quite happy to hopefully never have to renew my license in this state again, or at least not for many many years!

More Holiness give me

One thing (of the many) things that I have struggled with over the last couple years is my spirituality. It is troubling to me because this also happens to be some of the hardest years of my life. When life began to be more difficult with each passing year I tried to be stronger in my faith and remember that through my trials I could come closer to the Lord. I wish I could say I am closer to God today than I ever have been but I don't know that I am.
I do feel that I have become better aquainted with the qualities and characteristics of God, but I don't think I have drawn nearer to him.
When I was in seminary I remember one lesson that my teacher gave that struck me. It was about little sins that we don't like to give up. Little sins that keep us from being better, living closer to the spirit, and that impede our worthiness to be guided by the Holy Ghost.
Over the last couple years I have allowed certain things to help me forget my woes instead of turning to the Savior in prayer and allowing him to strengthen me. Over time I think that this has left me unable to face the lonely moments with no music, movies, TV, activities, talking, or any distractions and take the silence to ponder.

To be better requires giving up things that come between God and me.

Today I read this quote out of the ensign

"During my lifetime I have seen a strong trend to set aside entertainment that build up and dignifies the children of God and to replace it with portrayals and performances that are depressing, demeaning, and destructive. The powerful idea in this contrast is that whatever builds people up serves the cause of the Master, and whatever tears people down serves the cause of the adversary. We support one cause or the other every day by our patronage and by our thoughts and desires. This should remind us of our responsibility to support what is good and motivate us toward doing this in a way that will be pleasing to Him whose suffering offers us hope and whose example gives us direction." -Elder Dallin H. Oaks

Many times I have tried to recommit myself to doing better and changing. Many times I have returned to the feeling that I'm not doing as good as I should be. Today I think I realized that while I feel sorry for the things I have done and sorry that I'm not the person I should be there is one element that I have not included in my repentance.
In the Old testament they gave sacrifice. They placed an animal on an altar and it gave it's life that the person might become renewed through their death-the death of the old sinner. Each sunday we sacrifice the old selves and become new. Part of that is Sacrifice. Taking my sin placing it on that altar and letting it die. If I hold to that sin, I am not repenting, I am not letting that old self die. It is one thing to slip up and fall back into bad habits. It is another to not give up the sin. I have wondered why the Lord hasn't helped me change and I think I know why. I have not had a contrite spirit. I want to change, but not badly enough. I want to feel the peace that comes from obedience, but not change my ways. I want to repent but I can't quite place my sins on the altar and make the sacrifice.
With renewed understanding of repentance, I am hoping to go forward from today with a change of heart.
"When we yield our hearts to the Lord, the attractions of the world simply lose their luster." -Elder Bruce D. Porter
I no longer want to be satisfied at times with my life. Even if it means work, I want to roll up my sleeves and take on the responsibility that comes with being a better person. I am a daughter of God and I want to be closer to the Savior.

Creative juices gone

This semester all my creative juices are being sucked out by school. Maybe when I get out of this semester I'll write something more...

Olympic mom

How many years does an olympic swimmer train to perfection? I'm sure it is a lifetime pursuit. Some olympic athletes are born with amazing genes that allow them to perform beyond the abilities of the average person. Some train their entire lives, spending all their time effort, time, and energy being the best athlete in the world.
I have been recently wondering how long in time, energy, and effort would it take to make me an olympic mother. I feel like I put in long hours that go into late late nights. I have put many long days and I fully expect to spend the rest of my life being a mother and perfecting my skills. I do wish that I was one of those amazing women that was born with a gene that allowed me to perform above and beyond making me one of the best mothers in the world. However, qualties that have never been mine from the beginning are patience, nurturing, perceptiveness, and slow anger. Some day I hope though I will be able to claim those traits. One thing I am happy about is that I will have the rest of my life, even as my body ages and slows, my mind will always be able to expand and grow. My mothering can be sharpened long past the height of my health.
Is there a more noble pursuit that being a mother? Maybe so, but for me I would have to say no because there is no other pursuit that has brought greater struggle, pain, and hardship. What I become from being a mother (,and if I do it right,) what my children will become is the most noble pursuit of my life.

I'm too young to be old

Disclaimer: In no way it this blog meant to offend anyone of any age...I'm young and impertinent and now you have your warning!

I am only 23. When I was 16 I would have looked at 23 as an age of sophistication and coolness. I'm sure there are many who are older than me that see me as naieve and reckless. However young or old I may be I felt too old for my age as these thoughts and actions occured today.
I went to wal-mart today to buy more spoons because magically ours have been disappearing! (I count only 4 at home) I did find one or two under Chloe's chair under the table and I have noticed that recently Chloe has been mistaking the trash for the table. (Go put this on the table...then I find it in the trash...) Anyway...we needed more spoons. So I found the spoons but I didn't stop there. I saw some placemats and I just thought, I need them. They're cheap and it will solve the problem with the kids spilling all over my table. This will make my life easier. I also need a tablecloth. Hmmm...5 bucks, I'll skip the table cloth. Then I saw the can openers and had to get one because the one I'm using isn't acctually mine (sorry sam). Next I meandered over to the clearance section just to see if there was a tablecloth cheaper than 5 bucks...man i'm cheap. No luck so I walk through the cake decorating aisle. And the next and the next. Before I knew it I had a cart full of little things that were on sale, that I needed(but didn't rememeber that fact until I saw it!), and that I didn't need. ANd then I BOUGHT it. I guess it isn't so bad. But I've learned that I'm a walmart junkie. Everything is cheap and I need it. I'm also a sale junkie! It isn't so bad to be these things but as I thought about these realizations today I kind of hoped I'd be more like 40 before I became the person who went to walmart for spoons and left with a cart full or batteries, a new pillow, placemats, gum, a can opener, new shirts and other odds and ends. (Oh yeah, while we were walking around I told Kenzie to slow down because I wanted to look at the shirts. She said "Mom! You drive me crazy!")

Mom

My mom has been gone for 5 years now. I feel like I'm a tough chick because I've learned to get along without her here. But sometimes I wish she were.

Reasons why I wish my mom were here,

-She would tell me that when she was my age she never had a clean house and it is ok.
-She would tell me (I hope) that she yelled at her kids sometimes and that they forgave her too.
-She would tell me that I don't need to stress about everything because it doesn't really do me any good anyway and it doesn't do anything but make everything worse.
-She would buy me strawberry milk when I was stressed out and tell me it would make everything ok again.
-She would talk with me and we'd laugh and somehow it would make everything ok again.
-She would spoil my kids.
-She would come to visit me when I had kids and I would be stronger because somebody knows what they're doing!!!
-No matter how many kids I have she would understand what it was like to feel like you're loosing your mind because of all your kids.
-She would call me on my birthday
-She would tell me that when she was my age certain things happened too and assure me that I'm normal.
-she would call me once a week at least
-she would stay up late into the night talking with me if she thought I needed it
-she'd drive up in an instant if I needed her.
-She'd be another person in the world who loved me no matter what.

Sure she spoiled me and she wasn't perfect but she was pretty amazing. She did a lot and I don't feel like I'll ever be able to do as much as she did. More than anything though, some days you just need a mom hug, a true friend who loves you perfectly and understands what you're going through hug. So today...that is why I miss and love my mom.

No sadness, no gladness

One of the most poignant lessons of my life has been this, without pain there is no joy. This has been a hard lesson because I have had to experience great pain, sadness,and sorrow to truly enjoy my life more fully. Appreciation comes with loss. Patriotism emerged in my heart the greatest when Isaac was away training for a month and then came back. (The longest we've been apart since we got married) The greatest physical pain I've ever experienced brought the life of my two beautiful daughters. Being thin means to me the hard work of sacrifice, patience, persistence, and continuing to try when I feel like giving up. The greatest blessings I've experienced in life have come to me as a result of of hard work, faith, hope and sacrifice. My life is richer and fuller because of pain. Suffering. Grief. Sorrow. Without these horrible feelings I would never soar with happiness, relief, hope, faith, and true joy. There are times that I want to curse God for all the bad, but I can say now that I am greatful that I was allowed to experience the spectrum of life. I'm glad that I've hit rock bottom because the top of the mountain looks that much more beautiful. When I am at the top and looking down of my life I can see the hard spots and it makes my view all that more beautiful.

Leg Warmers

I've recently come to enjoy leg warmers. Whoever invented socks that could allow you stay warm and wear flip flops is my hero. I mean I love toe socks but at the same time jamming my foot into a glove designed for my foot just doesn't do it for me. Plus, I've heard that toes stay warmer when they are able to sit skin to skin.
It is a little strange to me to be publicly declaring that I like leg warmers but I am a child of the 80's! Unfortuneately I wasn't a teenager of the 80's. I have some crazy hair and it was destined for the 80's. It looks like I was born in the wrong time.

Merry Christmas, i've finally dwonloaded my pictures.

I've been feeling like I need to write but haven't been able to get gumption to put my pictures on the computer. Finally I did today.
I didn't take that many pictures on Christmas because my battery died. I brought the camera but forgot about batteries.





On a side note, I made a fake boquet for a friend of mine who just had a baby and I was so proud of how it turned out I just had to throw it up here!


Oh and Kenzie broke her leg over the holidays. I need to get another picture of the pink sparkly cast...

Thoughts vomit blog

I have a bunch of new pictures that I need to put up but they are downstairs and I'm not going to do it right now. I haven't blogged in a while and I have missed the theraputic value of it. This past week and a half I have been out visiting family for the holidays and it was a lot of fun but I'm glad to be home.
While we were out and about Kenzie broke her leg. I'm not usually the parent who freaks out and so when Kenzie came to me after it happened I tried to calm her and got a little impatient when after 30 minutes she didn't stop crying. I feel pretty bad about that now. She has been a way cranky little girl in the past week but we've been through worse I suppose!!! Kenzie has an appointment to get her cast on tomorrow and Isaac has convinced her that pink is what she needs. (I hope that option is available)
So, Christmas and new years was an adventure but I'm glad I was able to see all my family over the holidays. So now that we are all home, it is time to get crackin and clean! (and take down the tree)
Happy new year!