One thing (of the many) things that I have struggled with over the last couple years is my spirituality. It is troubling to me because this also happens to be some of the hardest years of my life. When life began to be more difficult with each passing year I tried to be stronger in my faith and remember that through my trials I could come closer to the Lord. I wish I could say I am closer to God today than I ever have been but I don't know that I am.
I do feel that I have become better aquainted with the qualities and characteristics of God, but I don't think I have drawn nearer to him.
When I was in seminary I remember one lesson that my teacher gave that struck me. It was about little sins that we don't like to give up. Little sins that keep us from being better, living closer to the spirit, and that impede our worthiness to be guided by the Holy Ghost.
Over the last couple years I have allowed certain things to help me forget my woes instead of turning to the Savior in prayer and allowing him to strengthen me. Over time I think that this has left me unable to face the lonely moments with no music, movies, TV, activities, talking, or any distractions and take the silence to ponder.
To be better requires giving up things that come between God and me.
Today I read this quote out of the ensign
"During my lifetime I have seen a strong trend to set aside entertainment that build up and dignifies the children of God and to replace it with portrayals and performances that are depressing, demeaning, and destructive. The powerful idea in this contrast is that whatever builds people up serves the cause of the Master, and whatever tears people down serves the cause of the adversary. We support one cause or the other every day by our patronage and by our thoughts and desires. This should remind us of our responsibility to support what is good and motivate us toward doing this in a way that will be pleasing to Him whose suffering offers us hope and whose example gives us direction." -Elder Dallin H. Oaks
Many times I have tried to recommit myself to doing better and changing. Many times I have returned to the feeling that I'm not doing as good as I should be. Today I think I realized that while I feel sorry for the things I have done and sorry that I'm not the person I should be there is one element that I have not included in my repentance.
In the Old testament they gave sacrifice. They placed an animal on an altar and it gave it's life that the person might become renewed through their death-the death of the old sinner. Each sunday we sacrifice the old selves and become new. Part of that is Sacrifice. Taking my sin placing it on that altar and letting it die. If I hold to that sin, I am not repenting, I am not letting that old self die. It is one thing to slip up and fall back into bad habits. It is another to not give up the sin. I have wondered why the Lord hasn't helped me change and I think I know why. I have not had a contrite spirit. I want to change, but not badly enough. I want to feel the peace that comes from obedience, but not change my ways. I want to repent but I can't quite place my sins on the altar and make the sacrifice.
With renewed understanding of repentance, I am hoping to go forward from today with a change of heart.
"When we yield our hearts to the Lord, the attractions of the world simply lose their luster." -Elder Bruce D. Porter
I no longer want to be satisfied at times with my life. Even if it means work, I want to roll up my sleeves and take on the responsibility that comes with being a better person. I am a daughter of God and I want to be closer to the Savior.
February fun......
14 years ago
